Dress for Success: Crafty Lush

Welcome to my journey of discovery re: how to make a chiton, aka fancy toga, Ancient Greece edition!

Note: Are you also impatient? Don’t have a needle/thread/sewing machine? Are you unskilled in the ways of crafting and stitchery? Don’t fret! You can pick up some seam glue from the craft store for 6 dollars, and glue down your path as a #1 poser, just like me!

So yesterday I was looking at existentialist memes, taking screenshots to send to my pretentious boyfriend when he gets lost up his philosophy ass, when I came across a mediocre post superimposed over a FABULOUS neoclassical painting by John William Godward. John: a man so dramatic that he killed himself when his artistic era ended, leaving a suicide note reading “There is not enough room in the world for both myself and a Picasso”. I admire his level of fatalism, and his FANTASTIC grasp of cloth and motion.¬†tumblr_nisgzlV4kz1rt0kevo1_1280

A Priestess of Bacchus, John William Godward, 1890

I also want to lounge in the fashion, clearly day drunk, but passing it off as a religious choice. The most attainable part of this is the dress, so I drove my ass to the Jo-Ann Fabrics, and picked out a nice stretchy (cheap!) baby blue knit fabric, and also a silk crepe in kind of a similar color as the dress above. The blue fabric should feel like the same material as the knee length dance skirts of a Hip Christian Mom expressing Herself in a dance group. I got three yards of the blue and 2.5 of the yellow, because I don’t sew and had no idea what i’m doing. I’m 5’10 and a size 14 if you need reference. I also picked up some fabric glue because I don’t want to ask my boy’s mom for her sewing machine, and I’m inherently impatient. Also, if you’re looking to see my exact replica, prepare for disappointment because I can’t afford that much crepe.

I folded the blue fabric in half, so that it touched my feet and more or less matched my wingspan, with the fold on the top.

meAsset 1

Okay so you should look kind of like this? The dark blue likes are where to sew/glue (NOT ALL THEY WAY TO THE TOP!) and the brown dashes show you where to cut. Note: I would recommend starting small on the head hole, because you can always make it bigger and it stretches with the fabric. Also make sure to leave decent holes in the sides to make the sleeves.

Right so welcome to the muumuu!

Next up is the fun time where you can either belt it under the sleeves and arrange the fabric so it looks nice, or you can realized that you want to use MORE fabric, so you cut a head hold in the middle of the rectangle of the smaller fabric, and don’t even close up the sides, so that it kind of looks like a surgical draping for vaginas. Pop this on over the blue muumuu. Wonder in amazement at the Jesus-y effect. Now you belt that shit so you can remember that you have a waist, (I used black ribbon), and voila! After some mild arranging, you too can lounge out in the sun, providing some theatrical eroticism for a depressed and dramatic painter!

After feverishly shopping and creating, I was not the paragon of Glamour, but I could help wondering, was the sweaty hyperfocus haze a glamour of its own? Was this the look my crafty ADHD ass was meant for? Was it time to Lounge?

Anyway, this is really easy, and i’ll probably make some more, because it makes me feel accomplished and also I really want to have a photoshoot/night of debauchery in this getup.

Got questions? I might have answers! Let me hear ’em!

xoxo gossip squirrel

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